Diary | August Recap

It’s the end of August, and everyone is saying that they didn’t accomplish all they wanted to this Summer, and for once I don’t feel like that at all.

We spent countless days at the pool, took two day trips to Shediac, camped in a cabin at Jellystone Park for a weekend, went to soccer every week, and visited family and friends whenever we could.

I didn’t read a single book this Summer, but I started two. That’s totally fine with me though. I decided early on that I wasn’t going to check off any boxes on a bucket list this Summer- it’s too much pressure.

For some reason, the end of August always feels like the end of Summer, even though it’s technically not. At 29 years old, it never fails that I still have the “late for the first day of school” dreams every single August. This month I had several, with some “late for work” dreams sprinkled in for good measure.

I think my greatest accomplishment this Summer was a lot of self discovery, dealing with past demons, and writing. I did a lot of writing. If you ever spot me in the wild with a notebook, there’s a good chance I’m writing any of the following:

• Poetry for my haunted poetry collection that I’m releasing Fall 2020

• Blog posts or articles

• Food diary entries and all sorts of stuff about self love, finding myself, the person I want to become, and the version of myself I want to leave behind

• Manifestations and mantras

• Brain dumping- I do this several times a day, just writing lists and ideas and plans.

• Grocery lists, Christmas gift lists, lists of stuff I want to donate, lists of stuff that needs done, and lists and lists and lists

Writing is therapeutic to me, and although part of me feels the need to sensor myself on my blog, another part of me just needs to get this out.

The biggest thing I’m working on now and probably forever is self love. Figuring out what it is to love myself, working through everything I hate, and trying to meet myself somewhere in the middle.

My weight is my biggest (pun intended) issue right now. When is it not though? I feel like I’m wearing a fat suit every single day. I cry a lot. I hate everything I see in the mirror, and I don’t recognize myself. I write about the person I want to be, and the person I used to be, and I miss her. But then I start taking the necessary steps to find myself again, and end up slipping up, failing, falling off the bandwagon- whatever you want to call it.

A kid at Mason’s preschool told him that he had a fat mom. Part of me wanted to find his mom and point out some of her flaws, but of course I would never do that. Instead I just cried and promised Mason I would do my best to become healthier.

I’m embarrassed. If I accidentally make eye contact with someone at work, I immediately look away and begin wondering how disgusted they were to look at me. I never stop thinking about it. Like never. If I’m in a room with any amount of people, I’m constantly wondering what awful things they’re thinking about how I look. I know I need therapy, and I plan on doing that soon.

I often wonder why I can’t just be normal. Like, what must it feel like to just be a normal weight your entire life? I’ve googled it before and searched it on Reddit - “what does it feel like to be a normal weight”, but no one really talks about it.

And I know it’s my fault. I know EXACTLY what I need to do to lose weight, but combined with the 8 million other things I need to worry about on a daily basis, my health and well-being takes a back seat way too often. I’ve been talking about it for years, and I’m sure if you’ve been in my life that long, you’re sick to death of hearing it. You’re probably thinking “just lose the damn weight and stop talking about it!” Im still trying and I won’t give up on myself. My own thoughts exhaust me more than anyone could ever imagine, and I’m just too tired to be the best version of myself all the time. But I’m trying, and I’ll continue to try until I succeed.

In other news, we have been preparing M for kindergarten, and I feel like we have a good handle on everything. I didn’t think I would get emotional about it, but hello, it’s me, of course I’m emotional. My main goal right now is to get the house 100% in order so we can transition into this new season smoothly. I have our housekeeper still coming biweekly, and she’s a godsend, and a huge weight lifted.

I’m going to do a monthly recap every month going forward! It’s basically just going to be a jumble of random updates and feelings, but I feel like it’s something I need to do.

Heres to a wonderful September ahead.

D