2am Ramblings On Dating & Love
It’s currently 2am and I can’t sleep. I’m writing this on the notepad on my phone, and I’m betting none of it will make sense in the morning, but stick with me.
This year has been so full of ups and downs- the biggest down but greatest gift being my separation. How odd is it to look at my life one year ago today and see how much has changed. The person I was last year is a ghost now, hovering near and popping in for the occasional haunt, but for the most part completely gone. I don’t miss her.
Even in these past nine months since my separation, I’ve grown so much as a person that I barely recognize the person I was.
With that being said, I’ve been looking into dating again. Currently just dipping my feet into the shallow end, testing the waters before I jump in. I can’t tell if I’m terrified or excited for this new chapter. Fear and excitement feel the same, don’t they?
I’ve had the song “To Die For” by Sam Smith stuck on my recently played list for months. It used to make me cry. I spent so many nights sitting at my kitchen table crying while supper was cooking. I haven’t cried in a long time, but I still love that song. It gives me hope somehow, and perfectly describes how I’ve been feeling the last year. Actually longer. The last I don’t know how long.
Sometimes I feel as if I was put on this earth to love others, but maybe not be loved in return. I’m sure there’s a soul lesson in that somewhere. I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of seeing the best in people.
I can’t help it, especially if I’m interested in someone. Sit in a coffee shop with me and I’ll be memorizing the way your eyes sparkle when you talk about your job. Take a drive with me and I’ll sit in the passenger seat, silently musing over the way you speak about your love for your family. Cuddle up to me, and I might be thinking of how your arms feel like home- but you can’t say things like that in real life, so silence is easier. When I seem quiet and someone asks me what I’m thinking about, I say ‘nothing’, but inside of that nothing, inside of that silence, is so much more. I’m constantly taking everything in, appreciating the little bits of magic in everyday moments- even if those moments are fleeting or short term. I’m not quiet at all once you get to know me, so my friends might be reading that and laughing, but it takes time to break through that shell.
Maybe it’s the writer in me, but I tend to romanticize everything, even when I don’t mean to. I’ve lived my entire life wearing rose coloured glasses, and they’re now permanently affixed to my face. Fear keeps me realistic, but I’ll never stop being a glass half full type of person. I still wonder at the stars and moon every night, I feel immense joy walking through crunchy fallen leaves, I live for those epic “never forget this moment” nights- and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone who appreciates that about me. Someone who won’t roll their eyes when I stand outside and say “look at the moon!” every night.
What do I even want right now? I’m still figuring it out.
I WANT to see the best in everyone. I want to get to know people on a deep soul level, whether it ends up being a friendship or something more. I want to stay up late at night having conversations with people about what sets their soul on fire. I want to have fun. Just really have fun and not overthink like I always do. I just want to meet people and get to know them. I want human contact and touch. I want to trust that when love is ready to enter my life, it will.
Still, I wonder if anyone will ever truly want to get to know me the same way. Will there ever be anyone who stays up at night thinking about me? Will anyone ever see past my relentless awkwardness, and be interested in finding out more?
I’m fine with getting to know people right now, in any capacity- it’s 2020, and we could all use more good people in our lives. There is a part of me that will always wonder if the kind of love I’m craving is out there for me though. The familiar kind of love where you feel like you’ve known each other for decades upon first meeting. The kind of love that makes you want to be a better person, simply because they are. A requited love. A dance in the kitchen at midnight kind of love. A love where you trust each other without question. A grow old together kind of love.
When it’s ready to find me, I want a love that breaks through the walls I’ve been building around myself the last ten years. A patient love that understands that the walls need to be chipped at before they can fully come crumbling down.
For now I’ll take things day by day and wait for what the universe has in store for me. I’m working on myself. I’m a constant work in progress really. I tell myself that no one can love me while I don’t love myself. There’s truth in that.
It’s 2:45am now.
D