Unrequited Summer Love & Not Enoughness

I’m currently working through some self esteem issues. 

I know that’s not my usual “hey guys!” intro, but this isn’t my usual post. This is a story of “not enoughness” and how it impacts people long term. How it’s impacting me apparently, and reflections on what I could have done differently. In my “Stories of Summer” series, I’m going to be talking about different Summers that impacted my life forever, in both the best and worst ways. Some of these stories will be deep, some will be funny and light hearted, and some will just be accounts of things that happened.

This series is a bit different for me, because it strays from my usual mom blog type posts, but I think it’s going be an important creative outlet for me.

In an effort to work through some confidence issues, I’ve been pouring over old journals lately to try and figure out how past Dedreanna might be affecting present Dedreanna. I should have worked through my confidence issues years ago, but better late than buried. This process of reflection is bringing all sorts of old memories, regrets and thoughts to the surface that I didn’t even know were there. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve held tight to the internalized message of “I’m not good enough.” When struggling with your present, sometimes it helps to reflect on your past. What experiences (no matter how small) have you gone through that have shaped you into who you are today? We tend to trudge through negative experiences and never talk about them again. They get pushed deep down, and unless we go digging for them, rarely resurface at the most opportune times. 

For me, embarrassing or negative moments lay in hiding and show themselves unexpectedly, almost as if they’re hiding behind a door, waiting to jump out as I walk past. I’ll be in the middle of a call at work and suddenly remember the awful lip sync competition I competed in once, or the time I fell up the stairs twice during the grand march at prom. My cheeks will flush red for no apparent reason, while inside I’m playing “Moments I Could Have Died of Embarrassment Volume 5” on repeat in my mind. Sprinkled in with those cringe worthy reflections are intense moments of regret. Things I wish I would have said, many I wish I didn’t. 

I’ve always had self worth issues. I grew up with two beautiful and amazing best friends, and while they would never do anything to make me feel less than that myself, I’ve always felt like the fat friend on the sidelines. 

When I really think back to where these feelings took their strongest hold, it was in my mid-late teens, so that’s the place I’m beginning with on my self-love journey.

When I was 17, I wore long sleeved sweaters on the hottest of days, and did everything I could to feel invisible. When I was alone, I would dance and sing, but in front of others I was silent and still. Shortly after turning 17 I struggled with an eating disorder. I had almost forgotten about it until reading my diaries from that time. I wanted to lose weight for prom, and wrote lengthy diary entries about how no guys would ever like me because of my weight. I ended up losing a lot of weight that year. I wrote about how enchanting my friends were and how easy life was for them. I wrote about how I was an awkward virgin, and how that would never change if I wasn’t thin and beautiful. I had accomplishments I was proud of, but none of that mattered because in my mind, I wasn’t pretty. My internal dialog of “not enoughness” was the strongest at this point in my life. 

From the outside looking in, I was awkward, quiet, and just not very fun to be around. I was constantly aware of my appearances- don’t smile because it makes your face look even fatter, don’t take your sweater off because they will see your fat arms, don’t talk too much because you’re weird and awkward.  This impacted both existing and new friendships. 

In the throes of my worst battle with myself, I met a boy- a new friend. Without providing too many revealing details, I’ll say that I was completely captivated by him. I think everyone was, because how could they not be. To be around him was to love him, and I did. I was completely wonderstruck, the kind where your heart beats out of your chest whenever you see them. I had a hard time forming proper sentences around him, which unfortunately added to my relentless awkwardness. My journals are proof of this- I literally have entries that say “he says I never talk to him.” My internal dialog of not enoughness kept me from acting like a normal human being around him. I don’t think in a million years he would have been interested in me as more than a friend, but I added about 50 nails to the friendship coffin with my stammering, introverted, hoodie in 30 degree c weather wearing cringe fest. 

I knew I wasn’t pretty enough, cool enough, thin enough, funny enough or experienced enough to peak his interest, but after spending some time together, I still held onto hope. To make our short story shorter, we were friends that Summer. I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) wanted more, it wasn’t more, and our friendship fizzled out. I played it off like it was no big deal. Inside, I was confirming with myself “I told you that you could never be good enough. Why did you even think you might be?” I never even attempted continuing any kind of real friendship with him afterwards because I thought I wasn’t good enough for that either. There was no big falling out- just a quiet moving forward in different directions.

I spent the rest of the Summer trying to work through my “not enoughness” demons. I was angry with myself for being so immature. I wrote things online that I wish I wouldn’t have, I drank wayyy to much for someone who wasn’t legally allowed to drink, and I wrote a lot. I’m embarrassed to admit that for years, every time I saw him, the same course of “There’s the guy you could never be good enough for” rang through my head. “Theres the guy who you could have kept being friends with, had you acted like a normal person.” He’s the kind of person who you would be lucky to have in your life, in any capacity- but I took that teeny tiny rejection and ran with it.

It ultimately wasn’t him rejecting me that stuck with me, it was ME rejecting myself. EVERYONE goes through rejection throughout their lives. It would be silly to think that this Summer was the source of my deep seated issues. This specific situation was just a little part of ongoing self esteem issues that would plague me for years. You can’t force someone to be friends with you or to be interested in you, but you can change your internal dialog. This story isn’t about him, but about me. It’s about how I let my self worth dictate my actions, and my feelings about myself.

It’s a lesson in recognizing that “not enoughness” doesn’t have to run your life. All of my actions that Summer were caused by my own issues that I should have worked through at the time. If I’m being honest, my feelings about myself haven’t changed much since then, and that’s why I’m trying to work on them now.

It’s never too late to change your internal dialog. If any of you reading this have similar feelings about yourself, you are MORE than enough. Other people not wanting you, jobs not hiring you, friendships not working out, etc are all a normal part of life. I’ve lost friends over the years, and the same “you weren’t good enough” tune chimes in every time. The best part of life is that we all change and grow and mature over the years, and we all have the chance to be better- to both other people and to ourselves. 

If you’re feeling stuck in a certain narrative, try locating where those feelings are coming from. The things you’re holding on to might surprise you, but it’s never too late to work through them.